It’s been almost a year since. It was the hardest point in my life. I dealt with the pain by writing. It’s funny because I know what I was thinking and where we were in our relationship just from reading each entry.
——The Box——Within my soul lies a box, too hot to touch, and too far out of the way to destroy. A long time ago the box was created to store the worst of all demons, that crossed my path. To this day they box grows larger, and the demons grow stronger.
I am submissive.
Who can I turn to when the box opens ever so slightly, letting a demon or two out to roam free? I fall to their power, to their demands, and let myself think just a little too much.
Lust, power, sweat, mercy, staring eyes, hands, lips, whispers.
I am here now, with my demons. Should I embrace them? Should I hide them in the box? Should I expose them to the world?
Confusion sets in and my body turns to jello, my heart starts to race, and tiny beads of sweat are created at my hairline. Too hurt to cry, too strong to let myself become that weak.
Tossed between feelings, between truth and lies. I don’t want to be that girl, the one that ruins a life. Caught in the endless circle of love, wrapped in a straighjacket. The few quick moments changed so much, filled me with life, and also desire. They did not last, will I feel you again?
Cut me up, shred me to pieces, take my heart and put it on display. I sit here with a pounding head, and a bleeding heart. Debating what I should do with this box.
——Sinking—— music, and laughter. lust, and emotion. No mistakes were made, but still here I stand. Torn into two halves, battling one another. Where does my heart rest? Where is my head. Do you want her? Is that what causes these questions for you? Slowly you’re starting to fade away against a wall of memories, hidden in my box.
I can’t fight with myself any longer, but then who? Do either one of you deserve that fight?
tears, and sweat. heart, and soul.
Where do I turn? I can’t just not think about it, it has run too deep.
My toes in the sand, my feet moving swiftly toward the water. The cool waves send chills through me. I keep moving, going deeper and deeper in. I look back towards shore, is it too late to turn around. The water is so mysterious, so scary, and so alluring; I keep going. So here I am, waist deep, ready to submerge. I let the current carry me out. I sink down, looking for an explanation. Will I stay here on the ocean floor?
confusion, and panic.solitude, and conquest. freedom?
——The Mountain—— I look up towards the peak, and check my gear, preparing myself for what is yet to come.
I start the climb. One hand over the other, pacing myself, watching my footsteps. Halfway up the mountain I see a cave.
Should I go inside?
I step onto the ledge inching myself ever so closely to the entrance. I press my hands against my sides of my mouth and call in. I set down my heavy backpack feeling relief. I walk inside, and feel heat wash over me. I take off my thick jacket. I continue walking stripping off my sweater, then my pants, then my boots. The walls of the cave move in closer, as I start to sweat, now completely nude. I squeeze my way through the corridor into a large room.
I find myself in a field of roses, and the smell fills my nose. What about the peak? I’ve worked so hard and planned so much? I am so eager to run through the field, to find what I know I’m here to do.
But the peak? I’ve dreamt of it for so long.
I stand here exposed, deciding.
——Half Alive —— The air above us is so thick with questions, and doubt. Can you count the kisses? the hugs? the tears?
This fire burns eternally. It started at my heart, but now runs through my soul. The want is there, it’s on its knees praying. If I were to turn to you, what would that mean? I can’t give up.
What has become of me? of my will? my strength?
You have cracked me open, let my soul pour out. For what? Am I collapsing? And then you are here, lighting my fire. Pushing the passion back into my life. These walls are closing in around me.
Are we dead?
I’m walking around in a daze, every moment like the last.
Take me in.
——Give It Up—— I look down at the scars that cover where my heart use to reside. I can still recall where each one has come from, who caused it, and the reason.
I’m covered in lace, looking up through the fabric trying to find your eyes. I feel your hands, your tongue, I fight to pull the lace off to see your face. You continue like I’m not struggling. I’m screaming inside, not from pain, but from the fire. A million memories rush through my brain, I close my eyes, trying to find your face amongst the memories. At the same instant, I rip the fabric from my head and our eyes lock.
Who are you? You are not the person I have sworn my life to. Confusion sets in first, and then desire for more. I don’t care who you are, my eyes fill with flames, as I kiss your neck. You’re so warm, intensifying the feeling growing within me.
My love!? Where are you? I’m here trapped within my own hell. I’m not sure if I should get up and run. I look back up at you, your eyes are different, but comforting.
Hold me. Kiss me. Your hands caress my face, wipe away the tears, and our lips meet.
An angel?
I try to look around me, but the room is spinning.
Completion.
——Taken Over—— I can’t stand this. You’re standing right infront of me, tears in your eyes, pain flowing through your body. There is nothing I can do to comfort you.
What do I do?
How can I let this go?
Who am I outside of this?
Outside of you?
I let myself cry today. For the first time through out all of this, i let myself hurt. Everyone is screaming at me, pushing and pulling, waiting for my decision.
I’m screaming on the inside that I love you!
Help Me!! Hear Me!!
I don’t want to see you like this. I don’t want to hurt you like this. It’s all my fault. What should I do? It’s tearing you apart. It’s destroying me.
Where did it all go?
What happened to the love? the passion?
Beneath It All—— Endlessly tears fall, effortlessly my heart beats for you. My love I have found you. I was so lost, so numb to your begging, to your pain.
Here I am now, standing in front of you, looking into those eyes that once held me.
But Wait…
You are not the same man, I can’t feel you anymore. Your love has been replaced with hate and resentment. I try to knock down your walls, to show you how much you once loved me.
You said you couldn’t go on without me, you said your soul would be lost, you said I was your everything, your reason to breathe. Where is that now?
I hurt you, I broke you down. Why won’t you let me build you back up, make us better? I lay here willing to give it my all to be yours. This isn’t some fling, this is love that we’ve been fighting for, for so long. How can you be unsure now?
I’m dieing inside, sitting in this grave I dug with my bare hands.
I beg! I plead! I scream!
DONT LEAVE ME! LET US BE GOOD AGAIN! LET ME LOVE YOU!
that’s all I ask! just let me love you. I’m pounding my head against this wall in the room where our love used to live. My arms tied behind my back. I can’t let this happen, I can’t let us end.
If we end
I END.
I am your rose, and you are my air. my love please find me again, i’m here.
——Heresy—— Time has slipped from underneath me. Loose ties replaced steel cables that once held us so close. All this time I held you so close, I put you up so high. The world seemed endless in your arms. You promised forever, declaring your everlasting love to me.
Lies.
Tears.
Pain.
I pushed and you pulled, our never ending battle. You left me, you gave up. Here I am, needing you and your love more than ever.
Where are you?
You deny, you hide behind forced anger. It was us, I had to see. I had to feel, you force this numbness. You can never get better if you don’t open your eyes and heart. I was lost in our miscommunication.
Our creation caused our end.
You were there, you held me, you understood. I never knew that you would hold all of this over my head.
The fog is thick in the field behind my house. I sit in my room at the window with the lace curtain held tightly in my hand, waiting for a sign. I’m not sure what i’m looking for, or why I’m even still looking. But then your face, and those eyes flash in my head, and I’m sure again. I look back at the digital alarm clock that sits on our dresser, and the red numbers dig into me. I have come to resent those demon numbers since you’ve been gone. Why will you not appear? I dig my phone out of my sweater pocket, and dial the your number.. I know you won’t answer, I just want to feel the comfort of your voice when the machine picks up. I’m pathetic, I guess you could say I’m an emotional cutter. I keep doing the same things over and over again even though I know I will regret it later. I just want to feel something, to prove to myself that i’m still here, somewhere.
The walls in our room are bare, the pictures of us that used to cover the walls now sit in the back of the closet in a locked box where I can’t even look at them. This house haunts me, everywhere I look, there you are. Your smile, where we first kissed. My eyes fill with tears and turn away from the room and focus my eyes on the outside world. Where you are.
And there!
At the edge of the field at the treeline, I see you. My heart jumps, I can’t breathe. My body tingles as every inch of me longs for you, for your touch. I run, down the stairs, out the door. sharp pains run up my legs from the cold wet grass under my barefeet. The fog is so thick, that I can’t see. I just keep running, following the pull I feel from you. And then, i’m there, in your arms. I feel weightless. I can finally breathe. The world seems to make sense. I pull back to look into those beautiful blue eyes that once held me so close, but you’re gone. You’ve vanished from my arms. I fall to my knees, holding my chest, as the hole reappears.
“NO!” I scream, as tears block my vision.
“Please NO! Don’t leave me” I can’t move.
I start to fall, and you are already gone.
”NO!” I keep screaming until I fall asleep.
I wake up alone.
——You wrote this for me. I wish it was still there—— Many moons ago lived a boy, one of whom was oblivious to love and lived life
Then on one spooky evening when all the demons and ghouls came out to play, a
Girl was found lost.
So lost and so scared, her terrified eyes glistened from the energy radiating from the souls of the demons.
The boy saw this girl and his heart started beating
He’d never felt this before
Was this, love?
Destiny?
Fate?
It felt amazing whatever it was
He had to save this beautiful, lost girl and show her what he was feeling, that she didn’t have to hold the weight of a thousand lifetimes on her shoulders.
The boy ran up to the girl and asked her why she was so scared.
She replied to the boy saying her demons were chasing her and she didn’t know what to do
They were causing her to question herself, question her life.
They’re power so strong not even the gods could strike them.
And they only wanted to feed, feed on her soul and let nothing else have it.
The boy took the girl and carried her to a place where there were no demons.
No demons, no hate, no fear, no worry, just love
Love
Love the girl questioned?
She hadn’t felt love in some time
The boy asked the girl why she had so many demons
She replied with tears in her eyes
She said that mother earth and all the troubles of life bear wait on her shoulders and cause the box that is her soul to open and release all that is kept within.
And when her soul vanishes from her being, her heart stops and the feeling of emptiness sets in.
So overwhelmed, the girl falls over and the boy catches her, laying her on the ground so gently
The boy takes his nail and makes a cut in his wrist and does the same to the girl
And with his fingers he pulls a vein from both their wrists and ties them together so the flow of crimson can continue
The boy looked deep into the girls eyes and said I am now connected to your heart.
My blood is flowing through your blood.
Can you feel it?
He put her hand on his chest and hers and showed her that her heart was once beating again and her soul was back, with happiness and love surrounding the closed box.
I will forever watch over you my beautiful
You will always have a connection directly to my heart
When your soul feels like it’s escaping
When you feel your demons cutting and ripping your flesh, drinking from your veins your life, I will take the key and lock the lid
No more running.
No more hiding
Life, filled with love
As your angel I solemnly swear to never give up on you and to protect you from your demons for the course of your existence.
Moons will pass
Time wont stop
Neither will my heart
And the boy said to the girl, you are always welcome to find home within me. My heart beats for your existence within my soul.
The boy kissed the girl on the head and put the key away
They stared into each other’s eyes until the world ended.
Never letting go of the home they had built within.
